The Waiting is the Hardest Part......

As posted earlier in the week, I have been busy with a jury trial for the past few days. In order to protect the privacy of the victim's family, I won't post the details here, but it is enough to know that the victim was brutally slain then buried in a wooded area. Family members were accused of the crime, and we tried one of them this week.

I write this sitting in the courtroom, waiting on the jury to tell us they've come to a verdict.

Lots of the negatives of my job have been going through my mind lately. Mostly, the pressure. I take the task of seeking justice very seriously, and I think that's as it should be. Police officers across this country stand in the gap between violence and peace, danger and safety - between evil and good. In my opinion, it is not a dramatization to say so. They tell us, each of us, that they will protect us, that is not okay for people to kill, hurt, rape or rob us. They tell us these things, and they are willing to be shot at, cursed at, abused and fought with for the priviledge of very little pay and work that brings rifts to many marriages. They tell us these things, and they catch the bad guys.

And then it's up to me to make those promises come true. When I fail, I make their words - and worse, their work - a lie.

I accept that burden, much like I accept the burden of proof beyond a reasonable doubt. What I do should be hard, there should be pressure, and it should cause stress. I'm sending people to prison here, after all, and I damn well better get it right.

But......I can't be perfect, and I have realized lately that if I continue to demand perfection of myself, I am not going to be able to be effective much longer. The pressure of perfection is too much. Being stressed because I take my job seriously is fine. Being stressed because I require myself to meet impossible standards is not.

In this moment, however, as I wait for the jury to deliberate, before I know if I have "succeeded" or "failed," I truly feel that I have done my best. And I have come to the conclusion that, win or lose, I have to find a way for that to be enough.

Is your best enough for you?